Three exciting updates!!! (And happy feast day St. Joseph!)

Happy Feast of St. Joseph, friends! This is such a beautiful day and has me full of joy 🙂 I hope you are all happy, healthy, and holy!

So I have really neglected this place because a whole lot has been changing in my life. Since December, I have finished another novel, gotten married, moved across the country and…

BECOME A MOM!!!!

So yeah, I am more blessed than I can say, so thankful for all God is doing in my life, and still trying to catch up mentally and emotionally with all the wonderful but crazy-fast changes! I hope to share some wedding photos whenever I get them myself! It was absolutely the most beautiful day…and marriage just gets better every day. Now my sweet husband and I are getting into the rhythm of our life on the farm in beautiful Wyoming (which, thank heavens, is warming up!), and getting our minds and hearts more and more around our long-hoped-for and quickly blessed parenthood!

We are eleven weeks pregnant today, due October 8th! Please pray for us and our sweet baby along this journey! We could not be happier to welcome this sweet precious life into our family!

While I’m here, I also wanted to mention that, if you have been an occasional visitor to my writing blog (Give Me a Story to Tell) and suddenly found it missing, that’s my fault. It’s still there. In a pregnant brain moment, I thought I could change the URL (from lenadonellan.wordpress.com to lenaclarecook.wordpress.com) and it would just redirect people to the right page, instead of telling you it doesn’t exist anymore. I guess I was wrong and sorry for the confusion!

So, if you’d like to get back to my writing blog, just remember that it’s now www.lenaclarecook.wordpress.com!

On the subject of exciting news, I am in the process of editing/proofreading my first draft of Staying Here and hope to have it published sometime this Spring! I am very excited to share this book with you!

I am also working on some updates to my other two novels, Paint Everything Blue and West of Yesterday, including a way to sell all my books not only through my wonderful publisher Lulu.com, but on a broader platform, on Amazon and Barnes & Noble and places like that. 🙂 Hopefully I will figure it all out soon! I think it will be easier to find for you and to share if you desire to!

Again, I hope you are all doing well, and sorry for being so sporadic around here! God bless!

Catching up {2020 has been beautiful to me}

Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve been out here! I’ve been thinking I needed to post about all the ways God has blessed me this year, maybe to offer a little cheer in the midst of a lot of frustration and hopelessness. If God is in our lives, there is always beauty in our lives, if we only know how to focus on it instead of the things that bring us down.

This year…I fell in love with the man of my dreams. I taught him how to dance, he taught me how to smile. He traveled across the country to see me four times. We went to Mass together. We played guitar and sang to each other. I beat him at checkers and he beat me at Monopoly. I spent Valentine’s day and my 21st birthday with him.

This year, I traveled to Wyoming again (and again and again…). I met the wonderful family that I’ll soon be part of and made treasured friends. I got to experience a place that felt like home from the start, a place full of the beauty of God’s creation and silence and peace.

This year, I got to experience firsthand the lifestyle and work of a farmer, spending hours and hours in tractors or irrigating or on a combine, learning more about my man and his work from being present than words could ever communicate. I learned about hard work, patience, skill, and gentleness. I learned that farmers are some of the bravest and smartest people around. I learned that this is the place and life I want for my future children. I learned, watching my boyfriend with his nieces and nephews, this man is going to be an amazing father one day.

This year, my first nephew and godson came into our lives. There just is no describing the joy and love that has filled our family from sweet little Adrian’s life. I finally learned what the love that my aunts and uncles have always shown me feels like! I held him over the font as he was baptized.

This year, I watched God bridge the gaps between Max and I, gaps of faith and physical space, and move mountains I thought might be too much. I watched grace at work in us both and the courage of the man I love. Between God and the two of us and my loving family, we got each other through the times apart…as much as two months…and the traveling back and forth while the world was shutting down. We got through airport goodbyes and held on for the airport hellos.

This year…he asked me to marry him…and the best man in the whole world became my fiance.

This year…I was able to show most of my family my soon-to-be home in Wyoming. I had some of the best one-on-one time with my younger siblings. I experienced the love of my fiance’s sisters in throwing me a bridal shower. I got my first taste of real Wyoming winter. I was able to start readying the house that will soon be my home (mostly scrubbing off layers of bachelor living). This year, I am PLANNING MY WEDDING! How can I be so blessed??

And…this year, I have written almost all of Staying Here…one of my favorite novels yet…maybe by the end of the year it will be done! I’ve gotten to explore the story of the some of the most real characters who’ve ever come to my imagination.

And there have been a lot of other beautiful things that have happened this year–those are just the highlights. I’ve developed wonderful friendships, spent irreplaceable time with family, and learned more and more what it means to rely on God and not on myself.

Dear Jesus…thank You for this year, and every day of our lives!

What is a beautiful thing that has happened to you this year?

Holy Week in the Domestic Church

Over the years, my mom has developed many different traditions to help us live the liturgical year in our domestic church. Some of the most enduring and cherished of these traditions are the ones attached to Holy Week, particularly the Triduum. These family customs have always helped me enter more deeply into the most solemn and holy days of the Church year, creating a time in our home that is very distinct from any other time.

During this difficult time, when the church doors will not be open to us on for the liturgies of Holy Thursday, Good Friday, the Easter Vigil and Easter Sunday, perhaps it is more important than ever for our Catholic families to focus on the liturgy of our own domestic churches. Instead of letting our separation from the sacraments divide us from Christ and the devout keeping of these most holy days, I think this is a time to direct our hunger for Him into fervent efforts to bring Him more and more into the center of our homes and hearts.

Perhaps this will be the truest of Triduums for many of us. Perhaps we are being given a glimpse of how much the world needed the Eucharist. Perhaps we are all experiencing, more truly and keenly than ever, a taste of the grief of our Blessed Mother and the Apostles, their pining for our Lord’s physical presence when He was separated from them for a time. Perhaps more than ever before we can have the smallest pulse of empathy with our Lord’s “Eloi, eloi, lamma sabacthani…”

What a gift this might be in itself, a consolation to our Lord that we long for him in some tiny echo of the great longing of His Heart for us which led Him to Calvary. And we must not lose hope or courage, even if our own Easter morning of seeing and touching our Lord again might be a while in coming, because He has promised us:

“Amen, I say to you, you shall be sorrowful, but your sorrow will be turned to joy. For I shall see you again, and your hearts shall be filled with joy, and that joy no one shall take from you…”

So I’d like to share a few ideas that have enriched our family’s journey with Christ through these upcoming days, in the hopes of offering some consolation and being united in the unique grace of this Triduum of 2020.

Also, I just wanted to remind anyone who is interested of the Priestly Fraternity of St. Peter’s beautiful LiveMass.net resource, where they both live stream and upload previous Masses each day in several locations around the world. We have been and will continue to have recourse to this wonderful ministry!

Holy Thursday

Messianic Seder Supper

For many years, our family has made and enjoyed what is called a Messianic Seder Supper on Holy Thursday. The simple idea of this meal is to commemorate the fulfillment of the promise of Passover that Christ accomplished in the Paschal Mystery. It’s a beautiful symbol that has always brought an aura of solemnity to our home at the start of the Holy Triduum. Some years we’ve done it before going to church for the day’s liturgy, some years after.

I’m pretty sure my mom compiled the way we do it from different sources over the years. It always runs basically the same way: we set the table very nicely, including glasses of wine (or grape juice for the underage drinkers ;)).

The Prayers

At the start of the meal, there is always a prayer and an explaination of what we are doing, read by Mom and Dad. Here is what we have followed (taken from Catholic Culture)

The mother lights a candle, since it is the Jewish mother’s privilege to light the Sabbath candles.

MOTHER: The traditional prayer of the mother in the Jewish family as she lights the feast day candle before the meal is this: Blessed art thou, O Lord God, King of the universe, who hast sanctified us by thy commandments and hast commanded us to kindle the festival lights. Blessed art thou, O Lord God, King of the universe, who hast kept us alive and sustained us and brought us to this season. May our home be consecrated O God, by the light of thy countenance shining upon us in the blessing and bringing us peace.

FATHER OR LEADER: This is Holy Week, a time that joins for us the Old and the New Covenant. At this season the Jewish people celebrate the feast of the Passover or Pasch. More than 1,400 years before the time of Christ, the chosen people were suffering in slavery in Egypt. God raised up Moses as their leader and Moses tried to secure their release from captivity. Despite the hardships of nine successive plagues which God sent to them, the Egyptians still refused the pleas of Moses. Then an angel of the Lord was sent to strike down the first born son of every family; but at God’s command, each Jewish family had sacrificed a lamb and sprinkled its blood on the doorposts. And the angel, seeing the blood, passed over their homes and their children were spared.

Then, finally, Pharaoh permitted the Jews to leave. They fled in haste, to wander amid the hardships in the desert for forty years before coming to the promised land. And God commanded Moses that the Jews should make a remembrance of their day of deliverance (Exodus 12:14-28). Thus the Passover became the great feast of sacrifice, of deliverance and of thanksgiving. Each Passover meal revolves around the retelling (the Haggadah) of this Providential act.

We who are the followers of Christ see the working of God’s concern for His people. As God sent Moses to rescue the Israelites from captivity in Egypt, so He lovingly sent His Son to redeem fallen man from slavery to sin. By the sacrifice of Himself, Christ opened the gates of heaven to us.

At this time Christians and Jews celebrate their own feasts in their own ways and we can see in these celebrations the common bond of the symbolism of the Exodus. Jesus was a Jew and today we wish to draw upon the traditional Jewish Seder and the words of the New Testament to help us more fully appreciate Jesus’ observance of His Jewish heritage, whose laws He kept.

Matthew’s, Mark’s and Luke’s accounts of Christ’s sacrifice for us each begin with His celebration of the paschal meal:

Now on the first day of Unleavened Bread the disciples came to Jesus to say, ”Where do you want us to make the preparations for you to eat the Passover?” (Matt. 26:17) (see also Mark 14:12 and Luke 22:7-9)

After Dad reads one account of the Last Supper, the meal begins.

We decided to have questions that each of us four kids would ask in turn, printing them on cards (with answers inside) at each place. Before each “course” of the meal, one of us would ask “why” this particular food, and then read about its symbolism. I believe this came from the tradition of the youngest member of the Jewish family questioning, at the Passover meal, “Why is this night different from every other night?”

The Menu & Its Symbols

The lamb (or for us, usually chicken that we pretend is lamb 🙂 ) is of course to symbolize how the lamb of Passover is fulfilled in the Lamb of God, whose blood saves us from eternal death and brings us to freedom, and Who first fed us with Himself on this holy night.

The unleavened bread (we use pitas) is to symbolize the humility of Christ, the Bread of Life, who was broken for us. The heat-scorched stripes on the bread vividly recall to us that “by His stripes, we are healed.”

The bitter herbs  (I think we use parsley) symbolize the bitterness of our slavery to sin, and the bitterness of the Cross which ransomed us. We dip them first in salt water, to represent the tears of all mankind in bondage and the tears of Christ our Savior. We dip them again in applesauce (a sweet mixture called haroses would be more traditional but we don’t get that fancy!) to symbolize the mortar the slaves used in their work, and also the sweetness of Christ’s work of redemption.

The round, white cake is a symbol of the Eucharist, and a celebration of its institution and the institution of the priesthood. It is a taste of the sweetness of Christ’s love for us, a sweetness we will remember through the bitter days to come.

The wine is (obviously) a symbol of Christ’s precious blood which is about to be offered for us.

We’ve also supplemented the meal with other side dishes as needed.

Other Holy Thursday Ideas

We haven’t done this every year, but sometimes in addition to our Seder Supper, we do a washing of the feet among our family members, to remind us of the attitude of humble service we ought to have towards each other as the family of Christ, Who calls us to “love one another as I have loved You.”

A lot of the time we will do baking, such as making Hot Cross Buns for Good Friday, on Holy Thursday, since it was the day our Lord first confected the Bread which “contains in itself all sweetness”.

We typically go through the miniseries “Jesus of Nazareth” throughout Lent, and watch the scenes of Holy Thursday sometime on this day. We have also gotten into the habit of starting our annual watch of “The Passion of the Christ” on Holy Thursday evening, watching up to the point of Good Friday morning in the movie. This always helps me transition into the gravity of the evening, turns my mind from the joy of the Last Supper to our Lord’s Agony.

Like many people, some of us have had the chance to go to Adoration sometime during the course of the night, to “watch one hour” with Christ. I think this is an incredible tradition, and while we cannot do this physically this year, we can still rise during the night and spend an hour in prayer to keep company with our Agonizing Lord.

Good Friday

We always try, with mixed success, to keep the house very quiet on Good Friday. This simple effort adds very much to the sad solemnity of the day and makes prayer and contemplation much easier. Dad takes off work and school has ceased. The focus, as much as possible, is entirely on Christ’s Passion.

Of course, it is a day of fasting. We often have Hot Cross buns around for the small meals, the sweetness of them a reminder of our Lord’s love.

We always finish watching “The Passion of the Christ” sometime in the morning. Around noon, the quiet of the morning intensifies into a more strict silence as our Lord is on the Cross. Usually we would be at church in the early afternoon, for Confession, Stations of the Cross, and the day’s liturgy at 3 o’clock. This year I imagine we will pray Stations here, stream the liturgy online (as we will do each day probably), and also begin the Divine Mercy Novena, which takes place starting on Good Friday and leading up to Divine Mercy Sunday.

One of the most vivid and piercing traditions for me is the veiling of the images of Christ in our home, which we do at the hour of His death. I never realize how much I love the sight of His face in all the religious art, crucifixes, statues, etc. in our home until I cannot see Him. It is an extremely poignant visual reminder that, liturgically, He is dead, removed from our midst. We leave images of Our Lady uncovered, reminding us to share in her grief and console her.

We began this tradition a few years ago, just as traditionally churches veil their statues and such at some point during Lent. I would highly recommend it. The coverings remain until Easter Morning.

After the 3 o’clock hour, the silence lifts a little to just a hush. We usually have a simple meal, which Mom has always gotten creative with in tying in symbols, and the evening is quiet. There is a tangible sense of relief that our Lord’s sufferings are over and his victory attained, mingled with the grief of his absence. There seems to be a natural shift of attention to each other, to being loving and consoling after a day that feels like you’ve been to a funeral.

Sometimes it is beautiful to also steal an hour from this night to pray and keep company with our Lady.

Holy Saturday

We don’t have as many traditions on Holy Saturday. It’s always a combination of trying to keep the quiet mourning attitude that befits Christ’s time in the tomb, keeping company in spirit with our Lady, as preparation goes on in the kitchen for Easter festivities. The veiling of our Lord’s images helps keep things solemn, while the baking for the next day makes things feel more hopeful. While it’s not required to fast on this day, I think it’s an effective way of keeping the day focused.

When we are not attending the Easter Vigil, it is a nice practice to renew our baptismal vows at home. (We do this on our baptism anniversaries as well, and it’s always powerful!)

Sometimes we have also made a Paschal Candle for our home, usually painted by my much-more-artistic sister. It’s a great idea to have a candle burning in your home in front of whatever religious images you use as a focal point for family prayer, to remind everyone that Christ is King and He is always present in this domestic church.

Easter Sunday

“On the third day the friends of Christ coming at daybreak to the place found the grave empty and the stone rolled away. In varying ways they realized the new wonder; but even they hardly realized that the world had died in the night. What they were looking at was the first day of a new creation, with a new heaven and a new earth; and in a semblance of the gardener God walked again in the garden, in the cool not of the evening but the dawn.”
-G. K. Chesterton

Easter morning, the first thing to do is to unveil the images of Christ. This is such a powerful dose of Easter joy!

We greet each other in the morning with, “Alleluia! He is risen!”, and respond, “He is risen indeed!” Easter hymns are usually being sung by somebody. Much like Christmas, the other great feast of the Church year, we make a good breakfast and exchange gifts, and joy overflows. All the practices and signs of penance and sorrow give way to an abundance of celebration and joy, because He is alive, and has brought us to life with Him!

These are different things that our family has found helpful in entering more deeply into the Triduum over the years; we have never done all of these at once! Whatever we may, as individual families, find edifying and helpful, let’s make a special effort to adore Christ in the Paschal Mystery this year, and to make our own domestic church ever more true to the name.

Beautiful vs. vain {thoughts of a loved woman}

So yes, girls, we all struggle over this…the whole, deeply ingrained, sometimes downright confusing and overly complex concept of our feminine beauty.

“We all work hard at being attractive, but many of us make the mistake of thinking it is stylish clothes, attractive hairstyles, or artfully applied makeup. While these outer things should not be ignored, they are not as important as your disposition, which should be sunny and bright.”
-Fascinating Womanhood

Isn’t it hard sometimes to find the line between what is cultivating beauty because, well, that’s part of our duty as women: to bring beauty to the world and particularly to our husband, home and family; and what is just plain vanity? Is it something we can measure by how many minutes a day we spend in front of a mirror, how much we let the number on the scale matter to us, how stressed we get over finding “the right” outfit on Sunday morning?

Maybe it’s good to step back and think about what it is we’re seeking, what we’re hungry for in the depth of our being. For me (and I’d be willing to guess this is the case for most women), it’s security. Security is one of the most fundamental feminine desires, to know and never have to doubt that someone loves us, that we are beautiful and precious to someone, that we have an intrinsic value to someone. We want unconditional love.

Of course, once recognizing this desire, one so deep that it can steal the breath from the center of me, the first place to take it is our dear Lord. The trickiest part, I think, of surrendering our insecurity in exchange for unconditional love, from God or other people, is just that: surrender. It means that I have to acknowledge that I am totally insecure without Divine love; that I am desperately in need of a love that does not pretend around my flaws, but takes me on as a whole. A love that will consume, purify, and re-create me into my truest self. That takes deep humility, which is the very enemy of vanity. Why is vice so perverse, to deepen our hungers that only virtue can fill up?

Of course, God, in His unsearchable Wisdom, has chosen to, very often, share this unconditional love with the heart of woman through the heart of a noble man. This is something that it is so right and natural to desire; though of course it is necessary that I find that love I hunger for in God first. Otherwise I will never be wholly satisfied or secure enough to give an unconditional love back to another wonderful, but imperfect, human being.

As we grow from girlhood into womanhood we become more aware of a desire in ourselves to be truly beautiful, with a beauty that will attract the virtuous sort of man we want for our husband. It’s instinctive, but can (and should) also rise to a spiritual level as we look inward at our heart and determine what virtues we need to adorn ourselves with to be ideal wives…and what vices we need to let go. We learn to cultivate our femininity not only on a spiritual level, but on mental, emotional, practical, and physical levels as well. It’s all part of blooming into a true woman; an essential and beautiful process.

I’ll be the first to admit that the appearance-cultivating part of this blooming has never been something that comes as naturally to me as it does to my sisters and mom. It’s not that I didn’t want to be pretty or was ever particularly tomboyish; I guess, through my teen hood, my mind was largely on other things, like being a nun or writing a book… It just took effort to put much time into styling my hair. My makeup routine has always been quick (like a minute or two) and light. Clothing…it never bothered me quite as much as it does some girls to wear the same outfit again, even if I wore to church the weekend before last. I hate clothes- and shoe-shopping. Most days find me in modest jeans and a sweater…I guess that’s just me!

Over the past couple years, as my longing for love and marriage grew, I started to pay a little more focused attention…trying to “learn my hair”…spending a little more time on my makeup to look my age, those sort of things. I got my ears pierced. I put more effort (and, at times, stress) into “looking my best” when going out because, “you never know who you’ll meet!” But strange feelings of not being good enough bothered me sometimes, the longer I spent in front of a mirror. Maybe it was a fine line I was treading between caring too much and not enough. Maybe I was more insecure than I realized.

Perhaps not every girl has an image of how they’ll look the first time they meet the man of their dreams. I think mine was somewhat vague, but along the lines of all dressed up, hair done up, face made up, for a party or dance or something like that. “Looking my best”. And hey, sometimes it happens–I saw it happen to my now happily-married older sis!

But I guess it had to be different for me.

I don’t think it was a coincidence, in God’s eyes, that I forgot my makeup that life-changing trip to Wyoming that I made last summer. It forced me, for the two weeks I was up there, to kind of let go and live. I admit sometimes, not feeling like I looked my best, I kept the attitude of “well it’s not like anyone around here is going to see me again!” But the affection and affirmation that my loving cousin (and little second cousins!) surrounded me with helped me just be me, and realize me was perfectly enough, with or without makeup, if I was a me full of love and joy. And I was–I was full of the joy of living, of being on an adventure and loving people I had never had a chance to be close to before. I was growing through the new experiences, through the homesickness, through the challenges and joys, and gaining a quiet self-respect, in a way I really needed to. It’s not that my family had ever given me anything less–for me, I guess I just needed a dramatic experience of what I already knew for it to really click in me.

But the best was yet to come, on the day that my delight in my adventure in God’s country was at its apex. I was going to ride horses, soak in a kind of “country” that I had only been able to dream about, and I didn’t care too much anymore about how I looked. I was grinning ear-to-ear most of the time as I got dusty and sweaty and sun burned (and saddle sore!), as the wind did what it wanted with my hair.

And then…there he was.

I’ve already written about this, I know, and about how our relationship got started through a beautifully old-fashioned sequence of letters.

“Ordinarily, love begins for a young girl when she becomes well enough acquainted with a young man to develop a spiritual affinity with him. She admires his qualities and abilities. She likes his attitude toward life in general. She begins to feel at ease, at home in his presence.
“Then other things begin to happen. A simple phone call brings a flutter to her heart. Her pulse quickens when he calls at her home. She has eyes for no one but him.”
-The Wife Desired

(I was reading this wonderful book last night and came across this paragraph…yep that’s what’s happened!)

Even in those early stages of acquaintance, Max was good at assuring me that what he saw in me, both in our brief, unlikely first impression and in my letters, was beautiful to him. It gave me an irreplaceable, quiet security to know that, somehow, this wonderful man saw not what I may have felt like I looked like that day (a disheveled, half-frazzled girl), but, to use his own words, a good-looking woman. 🙂 That security has only deepened with time and our growth into real friendship and love. He has made it clear to me that I’m beautiful to him, inside and out. He has made me comfortable to the point that I’ll send him selfies before I’ve put on makeup…and made me smile by asking honestly why I need makeup.

Not long ago I asked him if he remembered his “second impression”, or what he thought the first time we talked over FaceTime, a couple months after we first met. One of the first things he said was that he’d recognized my smile.

One time, when we were first getting used to talking over video chat, he asked if I wanted to talk when I wasn’t expecting it. I’d gotten out of the shower not long before and my hair was back in a tight bun (and I hadn’t exactly gotten the impression from my sister that this was my best ‘do). “Now?!” I remember texting. “My hair’s not fixed!”

“Haha I don’t care,” he wrote. When we got on he looked at me and said, “You said your hair’s not fixed?” With a smile he took off his hat. “Look at my hair!”

This is all to display how, in his genuine love and affirmation, he’s made me rethink my attitude towards my appearance. It’s still a balancing act, but one I see in a new sort of light. The act of “getting pretty”, especially before going to church together or going on a date”, is something I can do with an attitude of love instead of fear. If he’s ready to talk, I don’t worry overmuch about my hair (except to be sure it’s neat and all)…but I’m sure to put on my best smile (which to be honest isn’t much of an effort when I’m talking to him…)

I’m sure I’ll always be learning and growing when it comes to cultivating my femininity, inside and out. But this new chapter of experiencing God’s love and caring through this dear man has been such a vital step in that journey. It is humbling, in a way, to receive a love that sees more value in you than you see yourself sometimes. It’s a beautiful, and perhaps one of the the most powerful, antidote to insecurity and vanity.

Being far apart {challenges and graces}

It’s hard to be far away from the person you love. Like 25-hours-worth-of-driving far away.

It is a challenge, not only because you miss each other all the time and you have to suffer through choppy service that cuts off your video chat at the worst moment. Not only because you can’t just be around each other on a very regular basis, give a hug on a hard day, go to Mass together every Sunday, have him over for dinner after work when he’s got the energy for nothing more ambitious than a frozen pizza. Not only because you begin to realize the only cure for this is being in the same place–which means someone’s eventually going to have to move from what they know. Not only because each time you get a taste of what it’s like to have that person around in their real presence, the more inadequate (though WAY better than nothing!) a screen version of that presence seems.

It’s all of those things, big and small, and more. It’s a challenge on a lot of levels, some of which we’re still discovering. Patience, trust, surrender. And more patience. But sometimes a challenge is a great thing.

There is a very beautiful part in the long distance that I’ve begun to see. And that is the obvious fact that we are worth this to each other.

We could have been hesitant enough at the difficulties of long distance to not let this relationship start at all; but we both saw something in the other that was more than worth it, that could outgrow and, God willing, long outlast the distance. If the bond we share can stretch across 1500 miles and not snap, but rather grow and thrive, then it is truly a wonderful thing.

There are other gifts hidden behind the surface, too. I’ve been turning the phrase “absence makes the heart grow fonder” over and over in my head, wondering how true it is. I know for sure that presence always makes my heart grow fonder…Maybe it would be even truer to say that absence makes presence more precious. When there are only days out of a month that we actually get to be with each other, it’s a lot harder to take the other for granted, as we human beings are so inclined to do with those closest to us. It’s a gift to have my eyes constantly reopened to the value of the time I have with him–it is always more fleeting and precious than I realize.

And, as easy as it is to complain about missing him, I can hardly make myself do it when I start thinking about how loneliness was before I had him at all. This isn’t like that at all–he is always here in my heart, even when I can’t see him!

He also does an amazing job of making the distance seem smaller by coming to see me as much as is possible, by letting me take up pretty much all his free time, by thinking of the sweetest ways to let me know he misses me too…and I try my best to return the favor! I don’t hate selfies anymore in the context of sending them to each other…because neither of us really relish taking them (unless it’s of us together!), but do it for the joy it gives the other.

Distance has also been a good help in focusing on honest communication–a crucial thing for any couple, right? Because of the unlikely distance, it’s not like we could beat about the bush too long over what we are hoping for, and we’ve been able to talk through, with peace and a lack of real awkwardness, the big topics that young couples need to talk about when discerning marriage. That straightforwardness is a gift, and one that I think the long distance has a lot to do with.

Even though it’s easy to wonder some days why God had to plant our lives so far apart, I am very grateful for every part of His plan for us. I know that the West has helped make him into the person I love, just as the South has helped shape who I am. I’m very grateful for my family’s patience in living with me when my brain and attention and heart are 99% of the time dwelling across the country…I know for sure that the sacrifices aren’t just asked of him and me!

And what a man, to not be scared off by the distance (even when it meant that our first date was basically him coming to stay with my whole family for a few days!) He is brave, steadfast, and true. I’m so grateful for him–more than I can say.

Please pray for us and our continuing journey!

 

“Thou pourest in joyfulness” {why I haven’t been blogging much lately}

“For Thy counsel is not in man’s power; but this everyone is sure of that worships Thee: that his life, if it be under trial, shall be crowned…because after a storm, Thou makest a calm, and after tears and weeping, Thou pourest in joyfulness.
Be Thy name, O God of Israel, blessed forever.”

-Prayer of Sarah, from the book of Tobit

I’ve been thinking about how to share this story here for a while now–even though I can hardly claim that blogging has been the first thing on my mind. I’ve gone back and forth because social media almost seemed too impersonal to entrust with something so wonderful–but finally came down on the side of thinking, you know, I’ve posted out there so much about waiting and praying and being lonely through this chapter of my life, I have no right to leave it unresolved. If I’ve commiserated with others who are waiting, I really ought to share God’s plan unfolding for me as a sign of hope.

So I’m here to share some joy and hope…in imitation of how my sister Mary shared her journey with the Dash so beautifully over on Benedic, Domine, Nos.

It’s hard to know quite where to start explaining all this…that hat, my smile, and all the rest. I guess I should start at the start.

So I’ve already told you about my trip to Wyoming this summer, and all the dreams that came true up there, all the ways it blessed me. Well, almost all the ways. Really I left out the most important one.

He stepped into my life that day I rode horses on that beautiful ranch. He even made it into one of my pictures before I knew it was him, driving a combine through a barley field. We almost didn’t meet. It just so happened that two of the best mistakes ever (i.e., me losing my cell phone while galloping a horse around and him breaking something on the combine) coincided and we ended up walking around that barley field at the same time. Even though I’d been encouraged to by my doting cousin (as well as her mother-in-law, with whom we were staying): “Hey, Max is pretty cute, you should get a ride with him in the combine!”, I’d never have had the nerve to climb into a tractor with a guy I didn’t know.

We met for about thirty seconds–I was on my way back to the house with my miraculously recovered cell phone and he was out surveying the damage to the combine. My cousin, who has priceless timing, mentioned to me right before we met that Max had always said the day a girl walked up to him in the middle of a field would be the day he thought about getting married. I’m pretty sure my sunburn hid the way I was blushing at that thought…but then again, strangely, I didn’t care too much how I looked. I had managed to forget my makeup at home when I packed for that trip. I was sweaty, sunburnt, windblown, and probably covered with bits of barley. I had just been on the verge of tears in despair after searching fields for my phone. I remember at that moment having the mindset, in so many words, of, This is too much like something in a story for it to be real–for him to be the one. Hopefully he’s a nice person and I’ll be nice and it won’t matter too much how I look.

That was about as much of him as I could see–tall and thin, hiding behind his hat and sunglasses. But his voice and countenance were still unmistakable. Thinking back, it’s kind of amazing to me, the sense of his person that I got in that half minute that we chatted about me losing my phone (he seemed to think it was pretty funny), and what had happened to the combine. That was pretty much all I had to go on, besides a few things my cousin told me about later (“he’s just a sweetheart”…”he’s from a family of fourteen…”), when, only six days after we met, back home in Alabama, I decided to write him a letter.

Yeah, you read that correctly.

I did have a lot of encouragement from my cousin and siblings. Maybe the pivotal conversation was one with my cousin, in which, on our way to the airport after that wonderful trip, I confided that if I could have a dream, it would be to marry a farmer or rancher (an idea that had been drifting around my imagination way before I got up there, I swear!) and live that lifestyle out there in the West.

I remember her slapping the steering wheel with a big smile. “Darn it, Lena, I could have set you up with Max! I should have got you out there sooner! And if you didn’t like him he’s got brothers!”

We laughed, but she did throw out there, “You know, if you wrote to him, he’d probably write you back.”

My first reaction was probably to laugh, a little wistfully. She’d been telling me over our visit about the way she and her husband got to know each other and fell in love through writing letters. I couldn’t deny the idea was sweet–like something in a story–but it still seemed far-fetched that I, who have never been the bold type, especially when it came to guys, would just write someone I met for thirty seconds. Hey! Remember me? I want to get to know you! Wanna be penpals? Ha!

But I suppose once in a while, Providence gets the better of what we would habitually do. And thanks be for that!

I couldn’t quite let the idea go…maybe because of my cousin and siblings, maybe because I had an increasing feeling that he seemed like just the type of guy I’d want to know. Maybe because I came to the realization that there wasn’t much chance I’d regret getting to know him–but I might always regret not taking the chance. Really, I think it was all of the above.

So…I got my cousin to hunt down his address for me, and wrote a letter, just a few days after I’d gotten home. I don’t remember everything I said, but it was something to the effect of, Hey, don’t know if you remember me, but I was at the ranch with my cousin and I really loved Wyoming…I’d like to stay connected with you guys I met there…learn more about your lifestyle because I’m thinking up this book idea about a farmer (which was true!), You don’t have to write back if you don’t want to, just thought it might be nice to be friends. Maybe next visit I can get a ride in the combine. I know it was longer than that. I’ll probably laugh if he lets me read it again one of these days, because I’m sure it was a hilarious mix of obvious and shy.

He, just as unassuming if not more, says he wasn’t quite sure at first if I was just after information for a book project or really wanted to get to know him. But neither of our doubts lasted too long once our letters back and forth got going. With each little bit of him I got to know better, I was more confirmed in the feeling that he was what I’d been hoping for. I hoped (and continually got the sense) that the same was happening to him. It was really special and old-fashioned and just right, starting with those letters. I got to know his voice and thoughts through his handwriting, in envelopes that were postmarked Casper, Wyoming. But I admit it got harder and harder waiting on those letters that took four days to travel one way. I finally gave him my phone number…yes, first.

It does seem that I’m getting good at doing things I’ve been quick to say I’d never do…from writing the first letter to being in a long-distance relationship, from very seriously considering a future far from Alabama to dating a non-Catholic. Maybe God thinks it’s good for my ego. And I’ll be the last one to complain. Each one of these things I thought it would make me secure to never even consider, He has taught me to let go and filled me with peace, direction, and joy in embracing a plan that was quite different from what I thought I wanted.

In my narrow-mindedness I never got so far as thinking, What if God gave me a person worth all the pains and difficulties of a long-distance relationship, someone I could face fifteen hundred miles down with? What if he could make someone wonderfully honest and easy to communicate with, who was able to prioritize visiting and talking and really getting to know me in spite of the distance?

Or, What if God wanted to use me to help my guy, and use him to help me, to know God better? What if I need to be part of that journey? What if he gave me someone who could, with incredible willingness, understand and accept that I would need him to become Catholic if we were to get married, but that he couldn’t do it just for me–and who would study it with me, pray with me, give it his best go, even go to Mass on his own every Sunday? What if it was a guy brave enough to accept that insecurity in our relationship with me–to realize that there’s a mountain there we have to trust God to move. What if he was someone I had no doubt was totally worth waiting ten years for, if it took that long?

Thanks be that God didn’t need me to know what I needed before He gave it to me. The journey of getting to know this wonderful man over nearly five months has been a great exercise in trust, patience, honesty, and the most rewarding and amazing adventure I’ve ever been on. I won’t bore you with all the details of how, after letters, we started video chatting (and texting all the time)…or of the first time he came to visit, and the second time…of all the songs, conversations, laughter, all the little things that have filled a lonely place inside us both…the goodbye tears at the airport that have assured me beyond doubt of the way I care for him…of the happiness and love I’ve begun to know, unlike any I’ve known before.

Let it suffice to say that God was listening to every single sigh and prayer of mine when I was lonely…and when Max was lonely…and, in spite of the most unlikely circumstances, He now “pourest in joyfulness”.

Please pray for us both as we journey along this road…the unbeaten path of discerning God’s will for us in purity, patience, and perseverance. Neither of us know how it will end, but I couldn’t ask for anyone better to be traversing it with! He keeps me smiling…and dressed in farmer style with hats and Carhart hoodies and coats…and from feeling alone even when he’s more than a thousand miles away. Talking to him, even just through a computer screen, is the highlight of every day. He’s everything I could ask for and so much more. He constantly reminds me of how amazing His creator is.

And so, all this is to say…God is never asleep at the wheel. Nothing is “too good to be true” when it comes to His plan for you. He doesn’t just have a better plan…He takes your dreams and incorporates them into something so good you just have to stare and smile and shake your head, lost for words. Even if your guardian angels have to work really hard breaking stuff and snatching phones out of pockets…His plan happens, right when, in the back of your mind, you feel like waiting might be the whole plan.

So don’t stop praying really hard, or dreaming, or entrusting your future to God’s loving hands! Because, well…it works!

My three favorite bands {and five favorite songs from each} when I feel blue

Happy feast of St. Isidore, farmer! If he were still on earth and lived around here I’m sure he’d be delighted with the downpour we’re having today!

So we all feel down, blue, even depressed sometimes. I won’t lie, I battle it considerably, sometimes one day in three. And it’s good to know the things that help you keep from going too far into that hole, and even help lift you out again. One thing that has a particular power for me, that I’ve been learning to turn to more when battling the blues, is music.

Now, to be clear, I don’t mean any music, or even any of the music I particularly love (because, as much as I love a really amazing sad song like Switchfoot’s Yesterdays, Jon Foreman’s Somebody’s Baby or Kina Grannis’ Birdsong, even I don’t have to think too hard to realize that’s not the best recipe for uplifting myself.)

I’m not sure if I’m crazy or weird, or if misery just loves company, but sometimes when I’m blue, singing or listening to a really sad song holds a certain appeal, almost a comfort to it. But that doesn’t really get me anywhere better. The same could be said for overly shallow, upbeat, happy-just-because music that doesn’t seem to acknowledge that there are people in the world who are sad–that kind of racket can be downright annoying, or just more depressing.

No, the kind of medicinal song to which I refer is both deep and light: encouraging, not because it disregards suffering, but meets you there and lifts you up. It shows that others know how you feel–but also helps you see that it won’t always be this way. It gives you a true sense of hope, positivity, and being loved. Speaking from experience, sometimes that song in and of itself is enough to get you back on your emotional feet.

So, as the rain drizzles outside, I thought it would be fun to share my three favorite bands (whose music stands with distinguished clarity above all the music I love. I love these guys) and also try to narrow down five songs from each band that I would recommend to others looking for a little inspiration in this all-too-depressed world, because they’ve helped me!

1. Switchfoot

You can see it in their faces–hope, encouragement…love!

So Switchfoot, hands down my favoritest, most-listened-to band, comes first. If you’re not familiar with this awesome group (which you probably are), you should be! They are skilled, unafraid, genre-defying and unflinchingly honest. They’re also just about the only band my whole family can enjoy listening to at once, which is saying a lot with the diverse tastes we have! I listen to them all the time–cooking, driving, exercising, fixing my hair. My tremendous respect and affection for them stems chiefly from the quality of their songwriting. They unite the best of both, too-seldom-united worlds in music: downright coolness and a pure message.

They’re definitely the hardest to narrow down to five songs that inspire me. Almost impossible…but I’ll try…

1. Where I Belong (from Vice Verses)
2. Burn out Bright (from Oh! Gravity)
3. Dare You To Move (from The Beautiful Letdown)
4. Wonderful Feeling (from Native Tongue)
5. Stars (from Nothing is Sound)

Trust me, there are so many more…but check them out and see for yourself!

2. For King & Country

These guys are seriously one of the best antidotes to a bad day. They are so cool–so irrepressible–so encouraging. These two talented Australian brothers are soaringly excited and energetic in their music, but have a real heart for those who are down–you can hear it clearly in so many songs. Call me whimsical, but when I listen to their music I feel like they love me. I’m willing to bet they do–because I know that’s why they do what they do.

Like my other two picks, they thrive off the sibling dynamic, which I think adds so much to any band. And, like Switchfoot, I’ve been blessed to see them myself in concert!

My top five Joel and Luke tunes for a down day:

1. Matter (from Run Wild. Live Free. Love Strong.)
2. Light it Up (from Crave)
3. Shoulders (from Run Wild. Live Free. Love Strong.)
4. It’s Not Over Yet (from Run Wild. Live Free. Love Strong.)
5. Never Give Up (from Burn the Ships)

3. Colony House

Last but not least, my newest favorite! My family saw Colony House, opening at a Switchfoot concert, earlier this year, and were really impressed with them. My younger sister especially went on and on about their music…and I’m not sure why it took me until very recently to really give them a try.

I haven’t listened as extensively to them yet as I have Switchfoot or For King & Country…but maybe that’s because I can’t get past listening to their first album over and over to try out the second! I really love their sound, writing, heart…it’s all there, even the brother dynamic! And I’m hoping to get a chance to see them live, too, when they come around again next year on their upcoming tour!

So here are their five!

1. Second Guessing Games (from Learning How to Love)
2. Waiting for My Time to Come (from Learning How to Love)
3. You & I (from Only the Lonely)
4. Roll with the Punches (from Learning How to Love)
5. Learning How to Love (from the same)

I really encourage you to check out these songs if and when you ever feel a little blue…I hope they uplift you like they do me!

Happy Feast Day, Blessed Karl!

“If everyone simply did his Christian duties, we would not have so much hate and misery in the world.”

-Blessed Karl I of Austria

Novena to St. Raphael begins today {pray for your future spouse!}

“Lonely and weary, deeply grieved by the separation and sorrows of earth, we feel the need of calling out to thee, and of pleading for the protection of thy wings, so that we may not be as strangers in the province of joy.”

The above words, from the “Angel of Happy Meetings Prayer” to St. Raphael (below) are some of the most comforting words in any prayer to me. After the example, and through the encouragement of my older sister (who is a great devotee of this holy archangel, and whose beautiful marriage is living proof of the power of his intercession), I pray this prayer every night, principally that my future husband will be protected and led to me by St. Raphael, and I to him, and that we will be joined in the Heart of Christ for the rest of our lives, unto Heaven.

“Dear St. Raphael, Angel of Happy Meetings, lead us by the hand towards those we are waiting for and those who are waiting for us. May all our movements, all their movements, be guided by thy light and transfigured by thy joy.”

If you know how it feels to wait…and wait…and wait for the one God made to be your soulmate one day, St. Raphael is the patron for you. He has taught me that, while the waiting and loneliness sometimes seem like almost more than I can take, there is also beauty, merit, and a very necessary growth in the waiting. He has also reminded me at times that, while the waiting may not get easier, it won’t last forever. I take so much comfort from knowing he is taking care of me (and future hubby) now, and will continue to keep us under his wings every step of the way.

As the traditional feast of St. Raphael is October 24th, today (the start of his novena) is a pretty exciting day for me; and I hope, if you are traveling the same slow road of patience with me, you’ll join me in invoking the Archangel of compassion and love for your future spouse and yourself! Patience is never easy…it’s the road less traveled, uphill, with your back to instant gratification, pride and selfishness; if you get right down to it, it’s the road of true adulthood instead of childishness. It’s the path of honesty to accept that we’re not entitled to what we desire, but can humbly trust that God will give us what we need when He sees it’s best–not because we deserve it, but because He loves us.

And, if we think about it honestly for a minute, it’s not like our need for patience is going to change, this side of the grave anyway. In fact, when my hopes of marriage are fulfilled, my need for that most necessary virtue is only likely to grow, exponentially. There will always be something to wait for, especially once I’ve irrevocably invested my heart in my husband and my children and their needs and desires. And, beyond that, I must always be in vigil for Heaven, the ultimate hope that we should all be yearning for, the dream that should make our whole earthly sojourn one sigh of hopeful patience.

So let’s not look to our own strength in trying to stay on the difficult but beautiful path of patience–let us turn to St. Raphael, through whom God rewarded the great patience of His faithful servant Tobit, the trust of young Tobias, the humility and faithful endurance of Sarah. And if you desire to be able to love and serve your future spouse right now, to protect and help them, what more powerful way can you possibly go about it than to pray and sacrifice for them, and entrust them to such a powerful patron?

Below I’ve included the Angel of Happy Meetings prayer, which I’ve found so comforting, and then a longer prayer, particularly for guidance in choosing a spouse, which I remember my sister introducing me to but haven’t read again in a long time. Both are really beautiful and deeply comforting, and I encourage you to take a look at them. May St. Raphael watch over you, and intercede for you powerfully before the throne of God!

“Prayer is good with fasting and alms, more than to lay up treasures of gold…When thou didst pray with tears…I offered thy prayer to the Lord.
And because thou wast acceptable to God, it was necessary that temptation should prove thee.
And now the Lord hath sent me to heal thee…
For I am the Angel Raphael, one of the seven who stand before the Lord.”
-Tob. 12

Angel of Happy Meetings Prayer

Dear St. Raphael, Angel of Happy Meetings, lead us by the hand towards those we are waiting for and those who are waiting for us. May all our movements, all their movements, be guided by thy light and transfigured by thy joy.

Angel guide of Tobias, lay the request we now address to thee at the feet of Him on Whose unveiled face thou art privileged to gaze. (Mention your request.) Lonely and weary, deeply grieved by the separation and sorrows of earth, we feel the need of calling out to thee and of pleading for the protection of thy wings so that we may not be as strangers in the province of joy.

Remember the weak, thou who art strong, whose home lies beyond the region of thunder, in a land that is always peaceful, always serene and bright with the resplendent glory of God. Amen.

 

Prayer to St. Raphael for the Wise Choice of a Marriage Partner

O Glorious St. Raphael, Patron and Lover of the Young, I call upon thee  and plead with thee for thy help. In all confidence I open my heart to thee, to beg thy guidance and assistance in the important task of planning my future. Obtain for me through thy intercession the light of God’s grace, so that I may decide wisely concerning the person who is to be my partner through life. O Angel of Happy Meetings, lead us by the hand to find each other. May all our movements be guided by thy light and transfigured by thy joy. As thou didst lead the young Tobias to Sara and opened up for him a new life of happiness with her in holy marriage, lead me to such a one whom in thine angelic wisdom thou dost judge best suited to be united with me in marriage.

St. Raphael, loving patron of those seeking a marriage partner, help me in this supreme decision of my life. Find for me as a helpmate in life that person whose character will reflect the traits of Jesus and Mary. May he(she) be upright, loyal, pure, sincere and noble, so that with united efforts and with chaste and unselfish love, we both may strive to perfect ourselves in soul and body, as well as the children it may please God to entrust to our care.

St. Raphael, Angel of chaste courtship, bless our friendship and our love, that sin may have no part in it. May our mutual love bind us so closely that our future home may ever be most like the home of the Holy Family of Nazareth. Offer thy prayers to God for both of us and obtain the blessing of God upon our marriage, as thou wert the herald of blessing for the marriage of Tobias and Sara.

St. Raphael, friend of the young, be thou my friend, for I shall always be thine. I desire to ever invoke thee in my needs. To thy special care I entrust the decision I am to make as to my future wife (husband). Direct me to the person with whom I can best cooperate in doing God’s Holy Will, with whom I can live in peace, love and harmony in this life and attain eternal joy in the next.  Amen.

A simple movement {thoughts on blogging}

It’s October…possibly my favorite month of the whole lovely year. It’s a cool day, but the sun just came out and I glimpse blue out my window. It’s one of those rare but kind of nice, slow days when, for one ailment or another, you really don’t feel up to doing much at all…and, coincidentally, don’t have much to do.

I realize I haven’t been doing too much blogging over the past several months…obviously I’m not the most disciplined writer…but, not long ago, a reminder from my grandmother about how much she enjoys my posts hinted to me that I ought to make a little more concentrated effort to keep this up.

Sometimes I wonder exactly why I blog. It’s easy for intentions and reasons to change with time–and especially as a young woman, for there to be about twenty of them all tangled together like spaghetti noodles, swimming in a sauce of emotions. It’s been easy at times to blog out of vanity–adding to the noise, speaking just because I feel like making my voice heard, and believe all these faceless people are listening, like I have something really important to say all the time. It’s also easy in times of loneliness to blog because it makes me feel that, when I see ‘likes’ popping up on my latest post, I’m listened to, agreed with, and valued.

The simple reality is, I don’t really have people hanging on my every word…and it’s probably better that I don’t because I’ve said and written many more useless words than worthwhile ones. And even when the few people who do read what I write out here (other than people I really know, like my grandmother), ‘like’ a post, I’m not really connecting with them in a relationship, the way people were created to. I can just feed off flattery, if you get right down to it. This digital network promises to ‘connect’ me to countless others, but most of the time, that promise proves pretty empty when I follow its siren song looking for companionship and love.

We’re all lonely. But let’s face it, folks…social media isn’t the cure for that loneliness. Rather it is very, scarily, capable of distancing us from real relationships with those right around us…those we might notice if we weren’t absorbed in our screens…and, most importantly, with the God always waiting for our attention.

I believe that a lot of good can come from blogging. But, like any other form of social media, there’s also a lot of danger in it. When you’re spewing your thoughts at a faceless crowd somewhere in digital oblivion, and not people who know you, love you, and keep you real, it’s all too easy to slip from writing to exalt the truth into writing to exalt yourself…from a desire to inspire into a subtle channel for bragging…from a desire to comfort others by sharing your hard times to an excuse to complain…from a desire to be honest into sometimes talking too much about yourself. In a world that says we need to express ourselves in our art, it’s difficult to remember sometimes that true art is supposed be an expression of something far greater than just us–a small expression, never sufficient, of Truth and Beauty Himself.

To say all that more simply, there’s danger when, as I so often have, I let the motive of writing for God’s glory alone get tangled up with many other lesser motives that somehow benefit me. With God, it’s all or nothing…there is no serving two masters, right?

 Just a couple of days ago was the anniversary of the death of Venerable Carlo Acutis, who will one day, I’m sure, be the patron of those who do anything with computers. He was a genius when it came to computers…but his spiritual genius outshone the rest of his amazing qualities.

A thought Carlo once wrote in a journal seems to sum up what I’ve been trying to say all this time:

“Sadness is the gaze turned towards oneself,
happiness is the gaze turned towards God.
Conversion is nothing but moving the gaze from the bottom to the top. A simple movement of the eyes is enough.”

What I’m slowly learning, Carlo, with all his talents that far surpass mine, knew already at a younger age. There is no happiness for us in anything except the face of God–and we cannot share our focus with anything else–we must always, in the eye of our soul, through every part of our lives, gaze upon God. Is that not what Heaven will be? If we could glimpse Heaven here, in every moment of our lives, in every word we may right, would we choose to?

It’s always easier to correct the external than the internal. It would be just like me to come to all this and react by never writing anything except about God specifically…but I don’t think the point Carlo is making leads there. That simple movement means that this heart and mind of mine, behind the writing, must always be turned towards God, so that every word is not just a word, or some restless expression of myself, or a plea for empty attention…but an act of love that always knows it is not enough, so will never stop trying to be more. A humble effort to glorify Truth and Beauty…the Eternal Word…in whose image and likeness we were made…without Whom nothing was made.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m not sitting here writing this to impress you–not anymore. I refuse to write so you can know all about me, to be just one more distraction in this all-too-distracting world, just one more voice in the cacophony. (As an old Switchfoot song begs the listener, ‘If we’re adding to the noise, turn off this song!’) I’m not writing it to make myself feel better about what I have by bragging, thinking someone somewhere must wish they had my life. I’m no longer writing to make myself feel less alone–because, after all, I know I’m very loved; plus, we all need to feel lonely sometimes to find the only One who can fill our deepest longings.

So I’m making two commitments for this blog, here and now–I’m going to write with a little more discipline, and do it with purer motives. When I sit down to write with something true to say, I’ll pray to say it humbly and well, to serve the truth rather than use it. When I come with a joy I want to express, I’ll try to draw your mind to the Giver instead of just the gift. When I come with a lonely ache in my throat, I’ll remind myself of those who really love me…like my grandmother…and also about who you might be, and the loneliness and struggles you might have, that I’m not capable of fixing. And I’ll pray you find real companionship in the Faithful Friend who is always at your side. Who dwells, not in the Internet, not in the world’s noise, but in our souls. In quiet, and solitude, and the heart that is humble enough to realize it needs Him more than anything, and Him alone.

I love October because…

…there are simply so many feasts of my favorite people in Heaven throughout this month! One is already past; yesterday, October 3rd, was the old calendar feast of St. Therese of Lisiuex, my dear Confirmation patroness. I must admit that I completely blew off praying her novena this year because…in the midst of starting the St. Denis Novena and the busyness of life, I forgot…

But, counting on the never-begrudging, unconditional love I’ve learned I can expect from this dear sister in Heaven–perhaps the very trademark virtue of the Little Flower–, I boldly asked her (yesterday) to send me a rose anyway, hoping for a consolation and reassurance in the many uncertainties, discernments, and dangers of life. And, of course, she didn’t let me down…the first rose came in the form of a letter from a dear friend, who had been markedly on my mind over the past few days. I formed a special bond with this lovely young lady while we were both discerning for a week at Ephesus, and her bright and cheerful nature carried me through that week in many ways, and has since in continuing friendship often brought a needed smile to my face. The envelope carrying her letter to me yesterday was covered in roses!

As if that wasn’t enough, later on in the afternoon I happened to start doing a little research online on Blessed Emperor Karl and Servant of God Empress Zita (whose feast is approaching later this month!), and almost immediately my eyes were drawn to this picture (I had seen a cropped version of it before, which I quite loved, but never the full thing…and guess what were clustered near Blessed Karl’s hand…)

If I wasn’t already convicted of the intimate reality of the Communion of Saints (which I was), I was strong reaffirmed in the sense that they all work together for our good up there! That, and the fact that St. Therese certainly doesn’t hold grudges anymore now than she did on earth! I promise I’ll make a novena to you soon, dear!

So anyway, before any more feasts slip me by, I wanted to make a post to commemorate and prepare for the holy days of so many of my dear friends in Heaven this month. And happy feast of St. Francis of Assisi today!

St. Dionysius (Denis), Holy Helper

Feast: October 9th (along with companions Rusticus and Eleutherius)

St. Dionysius was, among many other things in his long and venerable life, a great missionary, and his biography and novena by Fr. Hammer in The Fourteen Holy Helpers point constantly to the virtue of faith. For me he is the perfect recourse in praying for others, especially loved ones in need of conversions, to receive the gift of faith–and for my own faith to be bolstered to the point of embracing martyrdom for it as he did.
St. Denis, pray for us!

Venerable Carlo Acutis

Anniversary of death: October 12th

Have I ever mentioned that I’m in love with this amazing, holy soul, and have been ever since we met five years ago? Yes, I know I’ve written about that already, but I invoke dear Carlo not only every time I have a computer issue, but also for the grace of both living my youth with as much holiness as possible, as well as the grace of discerning, reaching, and living out my vocation with the charity his generous heart held in contemplating the priesthood before his death at fifteen.

Apart from being incredibly holy and inspiring, really cute, and entirely lovable, this guy also has some of the best quotes of anyone I’ve read. The one above was one I’d never read before, though, until I stumbled across it yesterday. Just love it!

Blessed Emperor Karl and Servant of God Empress Zita

Feast Day: October 21st (The anniversary of their wedding)

This holy couple consoles me to no end since they took me by the hand and invited me to ask them to take myself and my future husband under their special patronage, individually and together, and to orchestrate every part of our meeting, falling in love, marriage, (God-willing) parenthood, and lead us to sainthood with them. Looking at pictures of them smiling fills me with comfort. I know my future soul mate and I are in good hands!

St. Raphael, Archangel

Feast Day: October 24th

Speaking of consolations, and my future husband…it just can’t be a coincidence that our most special patrons have feasts only a few days apart…I just can’t wait to celebrate the feast of this most tender Archangel this month, and honor him for his loving care and intercession!

Blessed Chiara Luce Badano

Feast Day: October 29th

Another beloved sister in Heaven is celebrated this month! Blessed Chiara has reached my heart in such a special way, and, much like Ven. Carlo, inspires me to live out this time of life with as much virtue and zeal and joy in the present as I can, while entrusting my future wholly to God. She is also such an utterly amazing example of embracing suffering and death, which we all must face at some point, and of surrendering oneself wholly to Divine Charity. Blessed Chiara, pray for us!

May these and all our holy helpers in Heaven, most especially Our Lady of the Rosary, pray for us! Happy October!

A Young Woman’s Daybook {Goodbye Summer}

Today…

“I come hither so that by this hart that thou huntest I may hunt thee.” -Our Lord to St. Eustace

September 20th, 2019: Ember Friday in September as well as the feast of St. Eustace and Companions! A blessed Ember day to you, and may St. Eustace and his holy family intercede for us and our families! I absolutely love St. Eustace; he is one of my favorite Holy Helpers, and Saints in general. His story is edifying in the extreme, and you can read it in more depth here. But my favorite thing about him is how, even when he was a pagan soldier, before the miraculous hunting trip when he encountered Christ, he was already faithful to the practice of the works of mercy. What love Christ must have had for this noble soul He ‘hunted out’, who was honoring Him ignorantly, as Our Lord put it. May we who have been privileged to know Christ from the beginning of our lives be filled with the zeal of St. Eustace in exercising the works of mercy!

“Let the people show forth the wisdom of the Saints, and the Church declare their praise: and their name liveth unto generation and generation. Rejoice in the Lord, O ye just: praise becometh the upright.”
(Introit from the Mass for St. Eustace & Companions)

Outside my window…

Today also happens to be the first day we’ve had a reprieve from somewhat exhausting summer heat around here…it was 60 degrees and breezy around nine this morning, which drew my mom and younger siblings and I all out to enjoy the glorious weather. This is the first time in waking memory I can remember it feeling so much like fall here before it’s even fall. But hey, I think we’ve had a hot enough summer that it’s high time! Deo Gratias for the beauty of fall coming!

This summer I’ve discovered the energy I get from spending more time outside my window than on this side of it…I don’t know if it’s better oxygen, Vitamin D, or what, but spending a little time even just sitting outside each day has really helped both my energy level and occasional low spirits. Maybe it’s just contact with God’s creation, which whispers constantly to us of His goodness.

Home around me…

Home around me has seen a lot of changes over the summer. Our nest has sent forth the first of its chicks off to make her own nest (which she is doing a lovely job of, by the way. I’m so proud of her!) That having been said, I’ve become the oldest sibling at home. This has been a transition I’ve been approaching consciously for a while. I have to say it’s been very blessed; I’ve enjoyed the experience of the confidence that comes in doing what you have to do when it’s needed, and finding that you can do it, and even do it well. Laugh at my youth if you like, but I’ve been feeling a lot more grown up. Driving has become a lot more of my life, chauffeuring younger siblings around, running errands, even getting myself to Adoration once in a while and a little part-time job I’ve just started at a nearby convent of wonderful Sisters. Although I know it’s my guardian angel and patron Saints that keep me safe, and from time to time I’m the inexperienced driver that I hope other drivers will forgive, I do feel I’m getting the hang of it and it’s not nearly as scary as it used to be. I enjoy driving by myself, especially in the morning, with my Jon Foreman music on shuffle. It can get to be pretty epic feeling…but even dinner dishes are epic with Jon 🙂

Another fun part of the transition into that oldest role is the sense of jurisdiction that naturally came over me in regards to housekeeping. Mary did a lot around here, and thus left a large gap, and so everyone’s had to step up a little more…but I’ve really come to enjoy buzzing around the house and playing housewife. As my grandmother battles through the awful rigors of chemotherapy, and my mom puts on yet another cap of caretaker in addition to all the others she wears, it comforts me to be able to do the little things I do around here for her sake. I know it’s her love language to come home to a freshly-vacuumed carpet, organized drawer, or cleared-off counter. And she certainly deserves a little TLC in her love language right now!

Besides all that, our home school is in full swing for our two studious students left. I can’t believe they’re both in high school (I feel old). The girl’s room, which underwent some major renovating after Mary moved out, is feeling more and more like home, especially for me since I just made a small prayer altar for myself–which I should have done long ago. I was inspired by a story a Sister was telling me about some little boys who went home from a catechesis class and, without even having been told to, made a prayer altar. Mary was so good about having focal points for purposeful prayer in our room, and it’s taken me a little time to pick up her slack…but better late than never! With some holy water, a rosary, a long-beloved little statue of the Child Jesus, a few beautiful holy cards from Portraits of Saints, my Missal and a few other things, it’s a wonderful place to light and pray. I didn’t realize how much I needed it.

Thoughts on dreams…

Did you know that dreams come true?

I’ve been meaning to post about my Wyoming trip back in August ever since I got home, but life has been busy, and sometimes it’s just hard to put something so amazing into words. I learned so much in the two weeks I traveled by myself to Sheridan, Wyoming, and spent with my sweet cousin and her family; I learned about life and people and myself, about loneliness and confidence and how sometimes, things you’ve built up in your mind all your life are even better than you imagined and not a letdown.

But I think one of the most obvious things I was shown was that dreams do come true–because God cares, even about the little dreams that are important to us but don’t seem that important in the grand scheme of things. I’m not sure how else to process the moment when I found myself on the back of a horse on a ranch in Wyoming, gazing around me at a West that stretched to the edge of the sky–literally living a moment that I’d been longing for inside since I was about three years old (I’m not exaggerating). Or when I found myself standing in Laramie…or bonding with my cousin at a level we’d never had a chance to before…or taking off on my last flight home through a sunset with the lyrics of Switchfoot’s Love Alone is Worth the Fight swimming in my ears, “Let’s go headed down the open road unknown…And we find what we’re made of through the open door. Is it fear you’re afraid of? What are you waiting for? Love alone is worth the fight.”, singing to me the peace I’d found in making a great adventure out of my comfort zone…like hundreds and hundreds of miles out of it…and not regretting one step of it.

It was the trip of a lifetime and a dream come true. It was a gift from God and my family and cousin, who made it possible. It came at the perfect time in my life, when I desperately needed a dream to come true and a shot in the arm of confidence, experience, and love.

I’m back home now, and I feel like that adventure has equipped me in so many ways for the adventure of grown-up life that I am just starting into. But part of me will always be on the back of that horse, and sitting on my cousin’s front porch laughing and talking and sometimes crying with her, and on that plane heading home through a sunset.

Prayerfully…

Please, please say a prayer for my dear grandmother, who is suffering so much right now as she battles cancer. She is so brave and strong, but even from the outside looking in I know this is unlike anything she’s ever gone through. We are praying especially for the intercession of Blessed Solanus Casey, if you’d be so kind as to join us! May God reward you!

A parting thought…

“The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only one page.”
-St. Augustine of Hippo

God bless you!
In our Loving Lady,
Lena

West of Yesterday is available for purchase!!!!!! {My Second Novel!}

That’s right! If you’ve read me going on and on about my recently-completed novel, West of Yesterday, and had a desire to check out what all my fuss was about, this is the day you’ve been waiting for! If you had no idea I was writing novels at all, I still invite you to check out my as-of-today published book over at Lulu.com!

Click to visit and buy!

This is really a surreal moment–sharing with more than a few people very close to me something so near and dear to my heart, the product of years of dreaming and months of work. I’m so excited to tell you this story!

A few quick notes, so you know what to expect if you generously decide to give me the chance to story-tell for you:

-Paperback, 424 pages, these books are printed on-demand by the publisher. Kudos for graphic design go to my amazing sister Mary Jimenez!
-It’s a Western (as you might have guessed!)  and while it doesn’t specifically fall under the heading of Catholic Fiction, every word was written for the glory of God, and every theme in it came straight from my Faith.
-It’s heavy. I mean it deals with some heavy stuff, which couldn’t be told honestly without getting gritty and sometimes violent (it’s a Western…not for the faint of heart…). I recommend it for high school age and up.
-If you like it, please share it with family and friends, and consider rating or reviewing it on Lulu.com!

Click here for a sneak peek at Chapter One!

Thank you in advance for taking a chance on my book! Happy reading!

A Young Lady’s Daybook {July morning}

Today…

…is the feast of St. John Gualbert, Knight turned Abbot after the Good Friday when he converted from revenge to forgiveness towards the murderer of his brother.

St. John captured my heart when I first heard his story, but when I first came across the painting above, it sealed the deal. (I have a particular affection for images of Our Lord embracing saints from the Cross, and this is just beautiful, don’t you think?) He was one of the patrons I asked to intercede for me on behalf of West of Yesterday (one of the first, actually)–for reasons you will understand if you ever read the book! Happy Feast, St. John; pray for us to have the spirit of true mercy!

Today also marks just two weeks and a day from my sister’s upcoming wedding. I have to catch my breath after typing that! What an incredibly full time of life this is, full of work and time slipping by and change and joy and crosses and just everything. It truly is the summertime of our family’s life right now, in blazing heat and color, changing from spring into something fuller and, though not easier or quite as simple, brighter. Just as spring is meant to become summer, blossoms meant to bear fruit…childhood is meant to become this. The growing pains aren’t all easy, but they are all worthwhile. As one chapter ends, another starts…

Outside my window…

Another beautiful, blue-green, hot July day in the South. I’m glad it’s not gray like yesterday! Roses are blooming, pears and apples coming in off the trees (which means lots of chopping and freezing going on…I only cut myself once in the course of putting up 28 cups of pears over the past two days…could be worse…) along with the last of the blueberries. We’ve had our share of wind and weather and power outage this year. Last week I helped my dad fell a dead tree on our property line (translation: I picked up small sticks and stood back and watched him cut, to be sure nothing fell on him and crushed him). I really don’t think there’s anything he couldn’t figure out how to do…he brought it down perfectly without crushing our neighbor’s fence. So cool! I love watching Dad work on things. Being out in the heat with him took me back to a little of my old tomboy self, in my horse riding days, and before my younger brother was old enough to replace me as dad’s tag-along. Good memories!

Home around me…

Well, I’ve been spending a lot less time here at my desk since finishing West of Yesterday, and a lot more time fluttering around doing odds and ends of housework and projects downstairs. It’s been nice to be more present on that level of the house. I have to admit, I’ve still been spending a lot of time curled up with my newly-printed book (my ‘other best friend’ as my sister has termed it!), poring lovingly over the pages and proofreading at the same time. I got a couple copies printed through Lulu recently, with the coolest cover ever, designed by Mary, just for me and family…it came out at 424 pages, and is so delightfully thick! Of course I’ve already found typos to fix, but it doesn’t dampen the joy of finally seeing my book as a book!

Our study room downstairs has changed A) since Mom completely reorganized it a couple weeks ago and B) since Mary moved her computer into it so she could be more present while working away at endless wedding work! It’s been great to walk through and see her more often during the day.

Our bedroom will be undergoing a major renovation before too long as well, when Mary has moved out. My younger sis and I are still musing over paint colors and decor, but I’m looking forward to a fun project together that should be something fun to work on during a transition that won’t be so easy! I’ll always cherish having shared the room with my two sisters for as long as we have 🙂

The garage is turning into a wedding-storage-unit with untold boxes of stuff awaiting the big day…and is also home to a new treadmill, courtesy of our dear grandparents, which has been wonderful to have since our old one gave up the ghost. I still enjoy working out while watching Laramie most mornings…whatever keeps you consistent, right? And working out really does make such a difference in my energy level and overall mood, I’ve got to be consistent.

Coffee, exercise, Laramie…just a good way to start the day!

Thoughts on confidence…

I feel like, of all the things I thought I needed to grow in during my younger girlhood, confidence wasn’t something that really appealed to me as a virtue. I thought of it in a hazy way as something akin to pride, and probably snuffed it out in myself at times in a scrupulous way…or imagined it was something that would just come when I was older and needed it. Adventure and challenge scared me, and if I could back away and refuse, I would. Like any young woman, I wanted safety and security. It just took me a while to understand that the only way to real security is through confidence. A while to understand what confidence really means, and that it can go hand-in-hand with humility, while the ‘safety’ I clung to was really a hiding place for pride.

Jason Craig, founder of Fraternus, was the first person I ever heard break down the word ‘confidence’ to its roots–Latin con and fides, or ‘with faith’. If a man walks into a room with confidence, it means he enters it with faith–faith in who he is in God’s eyes. God’s child. That is how he sees himself, others, and the world at large–with the eyes of faith. Therefore, he is confident, neither insecure nor arrogant. He knows what he is and rests in the love of God.

Wow. Isn’t that wonderful? It’s easy to see, in light of that explanation, how confidence is certainly a virtue worth pursuing.

The past year of my life, I’ve been increasingly made aware of how necessary confidence is on both a spiritual level and a practical one…necessary to growing up into a whole and mature person. And I’ve started to see that it isn’t something that just comes–you have to reach out and take it. Earn it. You learn to do by doing, to love by loving…and you gain confidence in yourself (in the truest, Godly sense) by putting into action that faith that you are loved as a child of God. By challenging yourself and being adventurous, because you already have the ultimate security, and so have nothing to lose, other than your ego. That is where humility and confidence flourish together. It’s a natural, healthy growth, but one that isn’t obvious. Or at least, it wasn’t to me at first!

Learning to dance, spending a week completely removed from my family in a part of the country I’d never seen before, learning to drive, slowly transitioning into the place of the oldest sibling at home…all these things and many other small things have helped the process of cultivating my confidence (especially driving!). It’s still far from complete for me. But I’m really starting to understand how necessary it is…how good the challenging moments of life are, because they are the only place we grow.

Prayerfully…

I have to ask for prayers for my dear grandmother, who is undergoing various health challenges and received a diagnosis this past week that wasn’t easy to hear. We are putting our faith in God’s plan and care…please pray for her and our whole family, as we journey with her through this!

The novena to St. Margaret of Antioch, one of the Fourteen Holy Helpers, began yesterday (sorry to have neglected posting it in better time!) Soon I’ll have St. Christopher, St. Pantaleon…St. Alphonsus…not long after, St. Clare…these novenas are like old friends I remember each summer!

May our Lord cover us with His most Precious Blood in this month of July, and every moment of our lives! I am praying that everything leading up to and surrounding the wedding will be flooded with an abundance of peace and tranquility, and protected from any assaults of the evil one against such a pure and beautiful union!

A parting thought…

“There’s a time to be silent – to build up a reason to sing again.”
-Jon Foreman

I know I usually do saint quotes, but you’ve got to love Jon Foreman, too! He is such an inspiration to me when it comes to writing…in so many ways…and this is an encouraging thought to me as I wait to get back in the wonderful world of being really in the thick of writing a book! I do miss the creative process and always find the start of a story the hardest part. Hopefully it will come soon…I do have one promising idea in the works, so we’ll see!

God bless!
In our Loving Lady,
Lena

 

A journey ends…

Almost five years after the initial idea was conceived…fourteen months and ten days after writing the first scene…after countless hours of thinking and working and absorbing inspiration and basically living mentally in a second world with five other people who are very real to me…it is done. Folks, you have West of Yesterday, thirty-one chapters and just under 87,000 words long.

I have been in love, crazy, obsessed with this story…but then, to write, I think you have to be, because if you don’t believe in it, no one else will–and what’s the value of a story no one believes in? Our art is merely sub-creation–but it is still done in imitation of our Creator, however imperfectly. There is a reflection of Him that becomes clear in us in a very real way when we use the gifts He gives to make something good, and beautiful, and true. I find a joy and meaning so deep in this process, even in the most frustrating parts of it, that it’s difficult to put it into words. I guess I just spent more than a year of my life putting it into 87,000 words!

So I’m not really going to try to explain my emotion now, to describe everything that went into West of Yesterday…because I feel like I could go on forever and ever and still not tell everything that it means to me! There is a story behind the story’s coming-to-be that I will always treasure…but I’ll let the book speak for itself, one of these days soon! This post is just to celebrate the completion of a long and wonderful journey, an epoch of my life…and to explain why I have been so shamelessly neglectful posting out here!

I will take a moment to wholeheartedly thank my two sisters, without whom there is no way this could ever have become what it is. Thank you both for sharing this journey with me!